Raindrops
by Windariah
Summary: Kaidan and Fem!Shep work through some of their trust and guilt issues. Set after the coup in ME3. Mild ME3 spoilers. Shenko romance/angst/fluff.


_All characters belong to Bioware, I simply borrow them for my interpretation!_

_The timing of this story is shortly after the Citadel Coup. Light ME3 spoilers._

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The raindrops raced down the floor to ceiling windows of the observation deck. It seemed never ending, as soon as two would reach the bottom of the window, two more would start the race from the top. Shepard watched as two drops collided, combining into one larger drop. The newly formed contender raced down the window, leaving the closest competitor far behind.

Beyond the rain clinging to the window grey clouds stretched the full panoramic view. The occasional bolt of lightning would light up the dark sky, but without the accompanying deep roll of thunder it felt like a picture that she was looking at, rather than an actual storm. Even the lack of a ping sound from the rain hitting the glass made the scene less real.

Shepard sighed and tossed the book she had grabbed off the bookshelf across to the other end of the couch. She didn't even know what the title was, she had grabbed it hoping to have something to help keep her mind off things, but the rain pattering away on the window had effectively killed that idea. The rain, even without all the sound associated with it, had set her into a more sedate mood.

She stretched her arms up over her head and her legs out in front of her. Her back arched as she tried to stretch all the stiffness out of her body. She had been cooped up on the Normandy for two days while they ran supply runs down the planet's surface to pick up food and stores. She was anxious to get back in the fight, even though she knew they needed what they were picking up. If it took too much longer though, she was going to have to head down to the cargo bay and have another dance with Vega. It always made her feel bad to leave bruises all over the big man's face though. She settled back down on the couch, pulling her knees up and together, and resting her chin on the platform they made, wrapping her arms around her shins.

She had just focused her attention back on the petty races of the raindrops on the window when the door to the room whooshed open. Years of being on the street in her youth still made her constantly aware of her surroundings. She spun her head around quickly, and instantly tensed when she saw who had walked in. Their eyes met momentarily as they both froze in place. She inhaled sharply, an involuntary reaction he seemed to cause to her. She forced herself to close her eyes and turned back around.

"Commander. I didn't realize you were in here." He choked out. If she had turned around she would have seen he hadn't moved since his eyes had found hers. He appeared frozen in place. Indecision spread across his face. "I could go if you…" his voice trailed off.

So much had changed in the last three years. She wished to herself that someone would tell her body that so that it wouldn't turn to jelly and indecision every time he was in the same room. Of course, for her it didn't feel like three years, she had spent two of those dead, in a coma, or god knows what while Cerberus brought her back. She had only seen Kaidan a few times since then, and at first it was very apparent he didn't trust her. Even that pain couldn't change how her body electrified when he walked into the room. "No Kaidan, stay. I wouldn't mind the company." She turned her head and smiled at him.

He hesitated a minute just inside the doorway before walking around the couch. He picked up the book she had discarded, looked at it for a minute, then set it lightly on the floor beside the couch. He then set himself down a few feet away from her. They each focused on the raindrops, at least outwardly. Silence settled over the room, with the exception of the occasional shifting of bodies as they tried to get in more comfortable positions. Each was hypersensitive of the other. Each breath, each movement, each twitch was absorbed.

Shepard continued to face the windows, but her mind was a million miles away from raindrops. Kaidan had only been back on the Normandy a few days, and she had gone out of her way to avoid him during that time. Not only did he make it impossible for her to think coherently, but she wasn't sure he fully trusted her. Sure, he had said he did, that he would never second guess her again after the death of Udina, but after all those talks in the hospital he had still questioned her and that hurt more deeply than she cared to admit. She was afraid he would see that pain and mistake it for contempt. She wanted to avoid that, so she had avoided him. She thought that he figured it was just bad luck they hadn't run into one another since he had gotten back on the ship.

The truth in fact though was that Kaidan had seen her avoiding him. He had seen her spin around and race out of the mess after carefully scanning the room and seeing him sitting alone eating supper. He had also seen her out of the corner of his eye while up on the bridge talking to Joker. He had been standing just out of sight of anyone walking to the bridge. He couldn't forget the determined look that was on her face as she walked to the bridge. He figured that she didn't think he had seen her spin around and nearly run back towards the galaxy map, but he had seen her.

He wasn't sure what to think of it. He had been honest with her in the hospital. He did care for her, a lot more than he had left her to believe, and there was no one else. The date with the doctor his friend's had wanted him to go out with never happened. After seeing Shepard on Horizon he just couldn't bring himself to do it, whether she was with Cerberus or not. Every time he closed his eyes and pictured himself with anyone for drinks, dinner, or anything else, the only person he could imagine himself with was Shepard. By all he had heard through his limited chats with Joker she hadn't found the need to find comfort in the arms of anyone else either. He figured after spending the two years thinking she was dead, and then the last year dealing with her return and association with Cerberus, he could wait a few days to see how it all played out.

Seconds passed into minutes, and minutes into a half of an hour. Neither of them spoke, just letting the uncomfortable silence between them settle thickly like a blanket in the room. Kaidan found himself looking at her more often, and finally he couldn't pull his eyes away. His eyes ran over her jawline, down her neck, across her shoulder and down her arm, finally landing on her hands, intertwined together over her knee.

Shepard could feel him looking at her. A wave of sadness passed over her. Having him here made it harder to forget what they had once had. She hesitantly looked over at him, afraid of what she might find on his face. What she found there surprised her.

A look of sadness, mixed with longing was spread across his face. His eyes found hers and she felt like he was looking into her soul. She dropped her gaze, embarrassment briefly overwhelming her. She had let him down; she had abandoned him, and betrayed him, even if he had forgiven her. She closed her eyes for a second, gathering her thoughts before she looked back up at him. She needed to tell him, there was so much she needed to tell him, but first she needed to apologize. She would never forgive herself for sending him away like she did on the first Normandy, and she would be amazed if he would ever leave her again if the situation required her to order it. It had been her fault that he had to endure her death, and she needed to let him know that she knew that. If she could find a way to turn back time and do it all over again, she would have found another way.

She looked back at him, stealing herself for what she knew she had to do. She opened her mouth, and snapped it shut as she lost her resolve. His head tilted ever so slightly in confusion. It wasn't often Shepard was at a loss for words.

She swallowed hard, finding her mouth dry, and tried again. "Kaidan, …. I need."

He shook his head gently at her and held up his hand. "I don't know what you are going to say Shepard. "he paused to make sure she was listening. "but you don't need to say it."

She continued to look at him. 'God, why do his eyes have to look right through me', she cursed to herself. "No Kaidan, you are wrong. I need to do this. I don't have anything to say that you don't already know, but…" She paused to take a deep breathe. She could feel the tears trying to well in her eyes and she fought hard for a moment to restrain them. "I NEED to tell you things."

She looked at him closely and was pleased to see he didn't interrupt her again.

"If I know you, I'm sure you will have something to say about the things I need to tell you. I like to think I know you, or at least I used to." She smiled sadly at him at those last words. " Please let me get it all out, let me finish or I might never get to."

He looked at her blankly for a minute while she waited for confirmation from him that he would let her talk without interruption. He couldn't imagine what she could possibly have to say that would be so upsetting. He wasn't used to seeing Shepard nervous or concerned about anything and he realized it made her look vulnerable. It didn't take him long to realize this was something she desperately needed, so he nodded once at her.

She nodded to him once in thanks and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Kaidan. I'm sorry for…"

He jumped up and took the two steps to stand in front of her. "No! You won't tell me you are sorry, and I won't sit here and listen to you say that. You have NOTHING to be sorry for." Anger passed over his face. It was bad enough he carried guilt about the way he treated her on Horizon. For her to feel guilty, too, that was too much for him to bear.

"Kaidan."

She fought the tears back again and realized that was a battle she was going to lose. She pleaded with him, "Please Kaidan, please sit. I need to do this."

He looked at her for a moment, and then kneeled in front of her instead of moving back to the couch to sit. He placed one hand on each side of her, each hand lying flat on the couch. "Ok. You can say your peace Shepard. And then I get to say mine." He said it as a statement, not a question but she could see the question in his eyes. He leaned towards her slightly as he waited for her reply.

She remembered his reaction when she saw him on Horizon and her stomach knotted. That was over a year ago and still made her feel sick to her stomach every time she thought about how cold he had been. She looked into his eyes, the same eyes that stared her down just a few days ago, the eyes that had been trained over his gun. She had seen him thinking it through, had seen him considering that she could still be with Cerberus and really there to kill the councilors. Things were different now though. The eyes that stared back at her today were full of compassion. 'Either way,' she thought to herself, 'We need to get this behind us, one way or the other.'

She nodded to him in concession. "Ok Kaidan. We can do this your way, but you have to promise not to interrupt this time."

He smiled at her, the smile she loves so much about him, and picked up his right hand and held up three fingers in the sign of the Boy Scouts. "Scouts honor, ma'am!"

She couldn't help but smile back at him. His smile was infectious. He set his hand back down on the couch. She started slowly but the words tumbled out faster and faster as she continued until she was tripping over them.

"I'm sorry Kaidan. You were right on Horizon, about everything. I abandoned you, and I betrayed you. I sent you off the Normandy like you were any other crew member, but you weren't. You were.. are… special to me. I should have let you stay and help me… or I should have left with you and left Joker…." Her words tumbled out jumbled together. "I'm just so sorry…"

The tears she had been fighting finally won. They spilled over, running down her cheek leaving a wet, salty trail as evidence. She squeezed her eyes shut and dropped her chin to her chest. This was the last thing she wanted him to see. For a moment she considered how her tears were similar to the raindrops falling down the window.

She felt his hand, warm, wipe across her chin, taking the fallen tears with it. It returned and put gentle pressure on the bottom of her chin, encouraging her to look up. She allowed his hand to guide her, but kept her eyes closed, desperately cursing the tears that were betraying her now. She didn't like feeling vulnerable like this, although, if she had to do it, Kaidan was the only one she would want to see it.

"Shepard." He waited patiently for her to open her eyes. After several moments he tried again, "Caralina." That got her attention; he rarely used her first name, but still she refused. Several tears had leaked from under her tightly closed eyelids and slid down her face. His thumb ran across her cheek, removing all the evidence of their existence.

She sensed him move more than felt it. His hand stayed on her chin, but his weight shifted, and the couch shifted next to her where he leaned. A moment later she could feel his breath, warm on her face as he inched closer. And then his lips were on hers.

Her eyes opened in surprise and she leaned back. He pulled back and opened his eyes. A hunger burned in his eyes that set her on fire. She reached her arms up, setting her hands on his neck and leaned into him. The second touch of his lips turned her to jelly and she held on to him to hold her upright. It wasn't long before they were both gasping for breath.

He pulled back, his eyes smoldering at her. "Now it's my turn. You are alive, and we are here, together. The past is gone Shepard, we can't change it. War is here and we don't know what tomorrow will bring. From now on, we need to live for tomorrow, instead of for yesterday. We BOTH need to let go of the things we can't change."

She started to shake her head at him, to say that, 'No, she needed to tell him these things'. He put a finger over her lips.

"You don't have to say anything else. I think I know how you feel. You don't have to tell me what you want right now. Right now we do need to look to the future though, so when the time comes we will know what we want." Her green eyes met his gaze.

He sat motionless, waiting for her. Finally she nodded once. She sniffled a couple times, and then put her hands over her face, rubbing at her swollen eyes. She looked at him after several seconds and said, "Ok Kaidan, we do this your way."

"So no more business about apologizing?" he asked. "Promise me Shepard, promise me that you won't even think about this again!"

Her gazed back him and said simply, "I promise….Major." with a smile. She leaned forward, putting her hand under his chin and kissed him lightly on the mouth. Just as quick, with a grin, she pushed him backwards. He lost his balance and landed hard on his backside. He looked at her incredulously.

"Now… if you will excuse me, I think I need a shower." She grinned as she stood up.

She reached a hand down to help him to his feet, he took it, gratefully, and stood up.

"You know Shepard; you are going to pay for that. I won't let you push me around like that."  
He grinned at her.

As she walked out the door she turned and replied, "Oh, I am counting on it… Major."

His mouth opened wide as she strutted out. The door shut behind her. 'I think she was flirting with me', he thought to himself.

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_ Thanks for reading. Please leave me a comment, let me know if you enjoyed it, or even if you hated it. All criticism is appreciated!_


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